No Good Rotten Very Bad Day

Since I'm so upset right now I don't even know where to begin, I'll start at the end.

I lost my job today. Or, rather it was pulled out from under me.

For those of you keeping score, I was there less than 5 days. "There" being Fxxx Cxxx Pxxx in Eden Prairie. There, where it now pisses me off even typing their stupid company name. There, being given no warning, no indication that my performance needed improvement, or that I was not meeting some expectation set forth by some person or persons. There being a place I'm already trying to put behind me, despite all the obvious questions that will have no answers, despite how many times I ask them.

I've been doing prepress, production, graphic design, desktop publishing, printing, or whatever other f-ing name you decide to call it for over 10 years now. In that time I've become skilled in every Adobe product every made, ran a Kodak Nexpress, Canon, Konica and done everything between. From creating a design from scratch to running a UV Coating machine. I've basically become a renaissance man in the world of print. Bottom line? I know my shit, and I if don't know something I can figure it out.

Today I figured out something very important. None of who you are or what you can do matters if the people you work for are fucking assholes.

At approximately 3:30 the co-owner's son, Mr. Q asked me "hey, do you have a minute for a conversation?" I said "sure" and walked into Mr. Q Srs (Sam's dad) office. After staring at me for 30 seconds in silence, he finally spoke saying "it's not working out." At this point I was pretty much in shock, so I didn't reply. Mr. Q then proceeded with "I don't want to get into a long debate, but we've been talking all this week about this and decided it's not working out." Again, I'm still in shock. Finally, some part of me decided that I would take the high road and say "I understand. You have a business to run." "Thanks for the opportunity." Mr. Q then asked if M had already filled my position or if they would take me back (Like now he suddenly has a conscious). I told them I didn't know and asked if they wanted me to finish my shift today. They said it was "up to me." So I basically said I didn't feel comfortable being there anymore and that I was going to leave immediately. I grabbed my stuff from my desk, packed it back in the box still sitting under my desk from Monday morning and left without saying another word.

So, just to recap: I left my job at M after 2.5 years with no benefits, no raise, no air conditioning and no sense of security last Friday, then worked exactly 4.75 days at Fxxx Cxxx Pxxx and now I'm unemployed.

I'm frustrated, angry and completely stressed out. I worked 9+ hours every day this week, dealt with a 50 minute commute after work, time that could should have been spent with our son. I gave everything I had to give. My ears are ringing, my head hurts and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. I'm also scared of the uncertainty, and even though I try not to, it's hard not hanging my head.

I'm also hopeful, grateful and excited for what will happen next. I have a great family and great group of friends like you who will support me and help me through this. Needless to say, if you know of any job opportunities let me know. I'm open to pursuing positions outside of my field, "getting a foot in the door" jobs etc.

Unfortunately, I've been in this position before (It was right before I met Angie and took a job at Comcast). Since then, I've worked at BCT, then M and finally took the job at Fxxx Cxxx. I felt like I was finally out from under. I still can't believe this day actually happened, it's all been like a bad dream.

I don't know what else to say.

Just Bad Dreams

Last night I had a terrible dream, or rather, nightmare.
I was struggling to stay afloat in freezing cold water, treading water while desperately reaching for something, anything to hold onto. While I don't recall  how I got there or why, I do recall being very aware that I was going to die, as if it was the only option. I felt my arms and legs slowing down, and my body go completely still. My thoughts immediately turned from trying to stay afloat to Cal's face. As I took my last breath, I thought about how I would never see his face again, see him even one day older, or get the chance to say goodbye and that I love him.
As I exhaled and slowly sank below the surface, I thought about what I'd plan to do next, after drowning in freezing cold water for reasons I couldn't explain, and how all my previous plans I made while living were for nothing.
I awoke a bit shaken, having a hard time pushing it aside and going back to sleep. As I reflected on it throughout the day today, a couple things became clear. First, it's easy to to compare life to the freezing water, and we're all desperately trying to stay afloat. Some of us tread water for longer than others, but sooner or later, we all end up at the bottom of the sea. "Life is what happens when were busy making plans..." and all that stuff.
Second, sometimes bad dreams are just bad dreams. If I was worried every time I dreamed of dying, being chased, hiding bodies, or generally unpleasant outcomes I would be worried a lot. My dreams are rarely pleasurable. However, if given the choice, I'll take the fearful, crazy, subconscious, death-by-drowning stuff at night, while living out my days in relative peace and reality.

Cal continues to grow, winter continues to blow

So many things have changed and yet so many things have stayed the same. It's still winter and it's still cold, every day all day. It feels like we've been hibernating since November with no end in sight. The only thing that changes is Cal, who is growing literally overnight. Since the last time I wrote, he started crawling, waving hello and goodbye and he now sleeps almost 12-hours a night without interruption. I can't wait until it's warm enough to go outside and play together, I feel bad that it's too cold to get some fresh air and new scenery. He is doing so well now he rarely gets crabby, even at the end of the day. He's eating 3 meals a day, everything from chicken noodle soup to broccoli and cabbage. It's really amazing to see how far he has come with everything, considering how difficult things were getting for everyone, going to sleep classes etc.

Work has been insanely busy, and I've been working well with the new guy they hired part-time to do bindery and shipping. I wish it was a little less busy because I haven't had time to work on my website or relax much these past few weeks. I'm still constantly looking for a new job, applying for what's available while keeping my head down and my mouth shut.

We bought a new digital camera last week in hopes of taking some better pictures of Cal. It's a waterproof, shockproof "tough" Fujifilm XP60. So far, so good. For awhile we had pictures on my cell, Angie's cell and my old digital camera, none of which looked that great. It was quite the ordeal trying to purchase the thing from Target. 3 trips later and a chat with a manager and Angie finally got the stupid thing for $99, originally priced $179. Buying technology used to be fun for me, now I can't stand it.

We are really looking forward to Cal's next well baby check-up tomorrow. It's always fun to see how he's grown and what he weighs etc. Also looking forward to Daylight Savings, because if it's still going to be winter until May, at least the sun will be shining longer in the evening. 

In the words of Bill Murray in "Groundhog Day:" 

"Do you think it will be an early spring?"

"... I'm predicting March."