Just Bad Dreams

Last night I had a terrible dream, or rather, nightmare.
I was struggling to stay afloat in freezing cold water, treading water while desperately reaching for something, anything to hold onto. While I don't recall  how I got there or why, I do recall being very aware that I was going to die, as if it was the only option. I felt my arms and legs slowing down, and my body go completely still. My thoughts immediately turned from trying to stay afloat to Cal's face. As I took my last breath, I thought about how I would never see his face again, see him even one day older, or get the chance to say goodbye and that I love him.
As I exhaled and slowly sank below the surface, I thought about what I'd plan to do next, after drowning in freezing cold water for reasons I couldn't explain, and how all my previous plans I made while living were for nothing.
I awoke a bit shaken, having a hard time pushing it aside and going back to sleep. As I reflected on it throughout the day today, a couple things became clear. First, it's easy to to compare life to the freezing water, and we're all desperately trying to stay afloat. Some of us tread water for longer than others, but sooner or later, we all end up at the bottom of the sea. "Life is what happens when were busy making plans..." and all that stuff.
Second, sometimes bad dreams are just bad dreams. If I was worried every time I dreamed of dying, being chased, hiding bodies, or generally unpleasant outcomes I would be worried a lot. My dreams are rarely pleasurable. However, if given the choice, I'll take the fearful, crazy, subconscious, death-by-drowning stuff at night, while living out my days in relative peace and reality.

Cal continues to grow, winter continues to blow

So many things have changed and yet so many things have stayed the same. It's still winter and it's still cold, every day all day. It feels like we've been hibernating since November with no end in sight. The only thing that changes is Cal, who is growing literally overnight. Since the last time I wrote, he started crawling, waving hello and goodbye and he now sleeps almost 12-hours a night without interruption. I can't wait until it's warm enough to go outside and play together, I feel bad that it's too cold to get some fresh air and new scenery. He is doing so well now he rarely gets crabby, even at the end of the day. He's eating 3 meals a day, everything from chicken noodle soup to broccoli and cabbage. It's really amazing to see how far he has come with everything, considering how difficult things were getting for everyone, going to sleep classes etc.

Work has been insanely busy, and I've been working well with the new guy they hired part-time to do bindery and shipping. I wish it was a little less busy because I haven't had time to work on my website or relax much these past few weeks. I'm still constantly looking for a new job, applying for what's available while keeping my head down and my mouth shut.

We bought a new digital camera last week in hopes of taking some better pictures of Cal. It's a waterproof, shockproof "tough" Fujifilm XP60. So far, so good. For awhile we had pictures on my cell, Angie's cell and my old digital camera, none of which looked that great. It was quite the ordeal trying to purchase the thing from Target. 3 trips later and a chat with a manager and Angie finally got the stupid thing for $99, originally priced $179. Buying technology used to be fun for me, now I can't stand it.

We are really looking forward to Cal's next well baby check-up tomorrow. It's always fun to see how he's grown and what he weighs etc. Also looking forward to Daylight Savings, because if it's still going to be winter until May, at least the sun will be shining longer in the evening. 

In the words of Bill Murray in "Groundhog Day:" 

"Do you think it will be an early spring?"

"... I'm predicting March."